Marriage and conflict assignment

The PAIR Project has proven that actions in a couple’s courtship are indicative of the future marriage (Huston & Melz, 2004, pp. 949-950). It is extremely important that an engaged couple look as objectively as possible at their courtship in order to prepare for the process ahead of them. Gaining more popularity, an approach to this is pre-marital counseling which can provide lasting benefits. A good marriage is necessary for a good family, and a couple about to be married should pay attention to the warning signs that may be present, as they most likely point in the direction the marriage is heading.

Since the PAIR Project’s longitudinal study occurred over fourteen years, the results are very trustworthy. It was a case study on those who failed to see, or ignored, warning signs before marriage. Couples’ courtships were classified as one of three categories: rocky-turbulent, sweet-undramatic, or passionate. Rocky-turbulent courtships would be classified because of feelings of jealousy, independence, a fear of the uncertain future, and selfish love. Sweet-undramatic courtships have attitudes of service, sensitivity, and understanding.

Therefore, in order to have a growing relationship, spouses must take time to forgive another along each step of the process. Although difficult, the benefits heal and help areas such as anxiety, fear, vulnerability, and lack of reasoning during an argument. (Worthington, 2003, pp. 231-239) Again in Worthington’s article, a “ Hope-Focused Marriage: Recommendations for Researches, Clinicians, and Church Workers,” he suggests that spouses rebuild hope in a hurt marriage and that there are three ways to do this. Spouses that value the relationship more than they value themselves have the willpower to change.

They keep at the change because they know it can be done, and they want it to be done. Spouses must want the relationship to work. Next, having the willpower to change refers to the spouses knowing which ways, besides the typical counseling which may be embarrassing and financially burdening to attend, allow the spouses to help themselves. This might look like spending a week away from each other to cool down, spending time on personal growth, or spending one-half hour each day talking until an agreement has been made. Spouses need to understand that although repair is good, prevention is even better.

In response to the issue that parents need more time, the article “ Hopping aboard the Daddy Track” addresses companies that are allowing fathers more flexible work schedules in order to have more family time. Fathers are more often taking advantage of flexible work programs and new parents’ classes. Also, there seems to be a trend with the Boomer fathers (ages 38-57 in 2002) and the Gen X fathers (ages 23-37 in 2002). Gen X fathers are much more family focused and willing to put their family above their career. (Brady, 2004, pp. 00-101) Besides having had negative experiences with one-parent households (Brady, 2004, pp. 100-101), Gen X fathers are more likely to take this more-involved attitude possibly because their wives have more power. In the past, wives could not nag their husbands about how they spent all the time with the children and needed more help. Now, the husbands have to listen because if they do not, their marriages will not be happy, and therefore, she might consider leaving. The fathers must deal with this pressure and seem to be better for it. In 1977, mothers spent 3. hours each workday with the children and fathers spent 1. 8 hours (Brady, 2004, pp. 100-101). Today, in 2002, mothers spend 3. 4 hours with children, Boomer fathers spend 2. 2 hours, and Gen X fathers spend 3. 4 hours each day (Brady, 2004, pp. 100-101). Also, 52% of college-educated men want a job with more responsibility versus 68% in 1992 (Brady, 2004, pp. 100-101). While women still have more responsibility in child-rearing, the changes are encouraging and are beginning to balance more towards equality, which is cornerstone to the foundation of the marriage.

Many children today deal with marital conflict and/or dissolution. These can have varied effects on children, depending on age and sex at the problematic time. Unexpected behaviors in children can result from either the conflict before and after the divorce or from the divorce itself. Divorce almost always contains an “ emotional divorce” on the parents’ part before and after the legal divorce. Whether a legal divorce or an emotional divorce, conflicted homes cause problems for a child both socially and academically. (Dykeman, 2003, pp. 1-42) While on the opposite hand, simply owning a home versus renting will aid the child socially and academically. A study of 1, 000 households over four years proved this. The child knows they have a stable home to come home to everyday, and therefore, a possibly more stable family life. (Van Slambrouch, 1999, p. 1) Family meals have also been shown to benefit individuals within a family. In one study of high school students receiving a national scholarship, the unifying factor was that the families ate dinners together.